Confusion, depression, heartbreak...These are all things I've felt in the past 24 hours. Do you ever get that feeling like you know something, and then all this sudden life turns around and slaps you in the face? I'm still reeling from the slap I felt yesterday, and I don't know if I can balance myself out again. And today, of all days, Samhain, the most spiritual and emotional day of the year, and my inner sould is plagued. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of the tears, the pain, the sickness...I'm tired of having feelings. I just wish that i could go through life having friends and not feel anything for them but friendship. Or if i do feel more, I wish I could just face my fears and stand up to them, push past them and just fucking SPEAK! Instead of living in silence all my life, hoping things will happen on their own. I wish I could just learn that I do to do things myself, and stop waiting for things to happen. I thought things would be OK, and then I realized that I fucked everything up by just sitting on my emotions, but by then it was too late. And now, I'm back where I started. At birth, innocent and clueless, waiting for things to happen to me, instead of making them happen.

TO ONE IN PARADISE--by Edgar Allen Poe

Thou wast all that to me, love,
For which my soul did pine-
A green isle in the sea, love,
A fountain and a shrine,
All wreathed with fairy fruits and flowers,
And all the flowers were mine.

Ah, dream too bright to last!
Ah, starry Hope! that didst arise
But to be overcast!
A voice from out the Future cries,
"On! on!"- but o'er the Past
(Dim gulf!) my spirit hovering lies
Mute, motionless, aghast!

For, alas! alas! me
The light of Life is o'er!
"No more- no more- no more-"
(Such language holds the solemn sea
To the sands upon the shore)
Shall bloom the thunder-blasted tree
Or the stricken eagle soar!

And all my days are trances,
And all my nightly dreams
Are where thy grey eye glances,
And where thy footstep gleams-
In what ethereal dances,
By what eternal streams.